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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."