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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”