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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?