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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.