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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
Iād steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of