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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.