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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...