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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I think, therefore i`m single.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”