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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.