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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.