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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.