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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.