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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.