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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel