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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Word for the day is asstard
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today