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Before the internet I used to like people.
I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...