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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.