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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.