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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”