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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
There may be no excuse for laziness, but Iām still looking.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.