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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?