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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.