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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.