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Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.