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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point