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There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.