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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.