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I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?