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The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?