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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?