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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
I need new swear words.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.