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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?