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I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.