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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.