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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic