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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…