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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.