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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.