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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.