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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.