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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.