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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.