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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.