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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Gym Update: Not there.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.