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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.