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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
why do i feel like you are reading this
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.