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Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.