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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.