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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Save water- shower with me!
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears