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"May the 4th" be with you!
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.