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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?