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Before the internet I used to like people.
Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!