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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Where is the button to restart summer?