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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."